I have shared a lot of my story with all of you whether it be on The Buried Life or through my Facebook notes.
Tonight is different, tonight I want to share something with you that I haven't shared with many people at all, and is harder to talk about for me than it was to share about my struggles with depression and cutting. I have struggled with my weight since I was young and while I have always used humor to try to bring attention away from the issue, it is an issue I want to talk about with you tonight.
We all have those things that when we look in a mirror we may not like, such as our arms, or the shape of our nose. When I looked in a mirror I couldn't see those things, because all I could see is my how big my arms were, or how big my stomach looked For a while I didn't even look in a mirror because when I looked, well let's just say I couldn't see the girl behind the surface. Even for those who have a "surface" that others would say is perfect, the person on the inside see's someone completely different, and that's just as valid.
A lot of you know by now about my struggles with depression and cutting, and while it is hard for me to admit my weight played a part in my depression and even my cutting at times. When I was depressed I would eat, and the guilt of that would drive my depression even more. Also at times I felt since I didn't look the way I thought I should than what would a few more scars do? I tear up as I write these words because these words come from a girl who was broken. A girl who thought the only true definition of beauty was the one that came from the magazines and from the girls on TV.
When I heard I was going to be on TV, I have to admit that while I was excited beyond words some of first thoughts were "The camera add's ten pounds" "People around the world are going to see me" "Eeep I can't hide anymore". I must confess that while we were filming and while all the events were happening I honestly was more scared about how I looked on camera than talking to the 100's of people about one of my deepest secrets. It's honestly still hard to this day for me to watch my episode because all I could see was the "fat girl".
Tonight is different, tonight I am the girl who has started to learn that the truest form of beauty comes from within, and comes from being the person you are, in your truest form. Tonight I'm the girl who knows the camera wasn't on me to capture who I am on the outside but to capture what the depths of my truest form,
Most of you who will read this I have not met in person, or maybe I haven't even seen a picture, but I want you to know that you are beautiful to me. It doesn't matter what you look like because really outside is just skin. Inside is where it counts, because inside is where we all posses a beauty that only we can, for true beauty comes from the depths of who we are.
So tonight when you go to brush your teeth or wash your face don't look at the superficial outside but look inside to who you truly are. And if you are willing to be challenged, I challenge you to write "TRUE BEAUTY" on your mirror along with 3 encouraging words that define who you are on the inside.
If you ever need support I am always here to do what I can, but I encourage you to check out the main reason I found the inspiration to write to all of you tonight. They are called "True Beauty Campagin" and can be found on both Facebook and Twitter, they are on your side and I am on their's 100%. So thank you TBC for your courage and your encouragement.