Insight Into One Aspect Of My Continuous Recovery

I was in a training today for a NAMI Class I will teach in the future and we were talking about different things and different aspects of recovery and I had a unique perspective of currently continuing my recovery, many in the class were family members of a person with a Mental Illness.

It is not debatable fact that cutting is a wrong way to deal with an underlying emotion or inner battle. The way I was battling this fact was trying to stop or erase this inner need to find an outlet for my intense emotions and feelings of needing a release. I found myself in a cycle, I would feel the emotions and intensity and try to just tell myself to be rid of it, or if I tried harder to control my emotions it would solve my problem. I found that for myself it was impossible to make them stop, and so I fell back on the only coping mechanism I knew, and more importantly, ever accepted as a solution; cutting.

What I have learned is that it's not about trying to rid yourself of those emotions but instead finding another way to channel and release the emotions I so intensely store up. I have found for myself that writing has been a pivotal component of my continuing recovery. I am able to release my true and genuine emotions, it is a healthy expression, and in some cases is able to bring insight and awareness to the mind of someone who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder.

*Note: I always like to make sure I make this as clear as possible, I am not a Doctor and all the above is based purely on my personal experience and I always encourage speaking to a Professional*

Exciting News!

Hey I know I just posted a blog but I was so excited about finally getting around to doing this that I couldn't wait!
Disclaimer: I have been sick and haven't slept in a few days, and I filmed it with my Blackberry... and my hand got tired haha!

Hope you enjoy and I really need your input so I hope to hear from you soon!
P.S. Of all the images YouTube.. This one... Really?! ha

Who Are You To Say?

I went to see "The Help" with my mom on Thursday and I was sitting in the theater watching a story I had read so many times in the History books come to life. The words I would read in text books could not and do not do justice to the struggles that the African American culture went through during that time.
I know what you are thinking... Lexie we are on summer break what's up with the History lesson?
My question to you though is... Is it History? From my understanding of History it is defined by something that has passed... is this kind of hate really in our past? No matter the type of skin God gave you, or the culture you come from there is no reason for down right straight up hate. I see it in our everyday life as a culture... whether it be based on religion, race, cultural background, sexual orientation it's in everyday life.
But here's my question... Who are you to say?
Who are you to say what is right or wrong? Especially when you are basing your answer off the color of someone's skin... Or where they came from.
So here is my challenge to you, silence the voices that think they are some how superior to someone else because they have a different skin color, or where they came from. You don't have to agree with their choices but you damn well have to be respectful to them... I can say that with such assurance because they are a human being. Period. End of sentence.
Let's stop the hate speech now

A Guest Blog I Did For We Are All Human

http://weareallhumann.blogspot.com/2011/04/blindfold.html

I was so fortunate to have been allowed to share my thoughts on the We Are All Human Blog I can't wait to hear your thoughts

The Buried Life of Lexie: #6 Record a Song

My One Year Video!

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

There is something that I have been holding in inside and I can't keep my thoughts silent anymore... this is how I feel about you

"You're a whore"

"You're a loser"

"I hate you"

"Don’t you get it... we all pretended to be your friend"

"We would never say this to your face but...”

I am sure many of you are thinking... Lexie how could you say so many awful things about someone? But here is my question to you... are you upset at me? Or are you upset because seeing these phrases staring back at you reminds you of when they flowed from your fingers on to the wall or in a text message to someone else?

We have all been there... we see the perfect opportunity to make ourselves more popular, to be the funny one or maybe a way out and a chance to put the spotlight on someone else, and take it off of us. All it takes is the minute to type a response or to post on a wall and hit send... and just like that our reward is on its way. Is it worth it? Is the price of someone else's life truly worth what you seemingly traded it in for?

I know no wants to think about what words can truly do to others, and how we can have an effect on someone else’s life, but I have never sugar coated for you in the past and I am not about to start now.

Words hurt... and sometimes the pain of them is enough to bring a person to a point such pain all they long for is a way to numb the pain...

When I was in High School I was bullied and I didn't really realize it until I had gone off to college. I was the kind of girl who made friends pretty easily, but I was always so afraid that I would lose them so I would do everything and anything to keep them around. I honestly thought this was normal, or that I was such a bad friend that it was only right that I had to work extra hard to make up for all the bad things I did.

It was about a month before going off to college on a Friday night, I was hanging out at home and I got a Myspace message from a friend. It was at least a page long letter explaing why I was hated in grave detail, and signed by more people than I could count. I remember calling a close friend at the time asking what was going on and if she knew anything about it. She said she didn't and she was so sorry and would take me out to lunch the next day.( Side Note: I found out many months later that she was in on the entire thing) To say I was upset was an understatement, my parents heard me crying and they took my phone away so they couldn't keep harassing me.

Shortly after I went to college with this amazing burden that I quickly learned to hide and not share with anyone, to me I felt like if I had failed with those friends, I better not give my new friends any reason to not like me and if I hid it from them I could have a fresh start.

Like many of you who have tried to hide your past without dealing with it you learn that it comes back, and I was no different. I would never say that incident single handedly brought me to the dark place I soon found to be my new home, but it without a doubt was a part of my journey. I soon came to realize how hurt I was by those girls and the unresolved issues and along with many other friend issues and abuse brought me to a decision... I wanted to end the pain and I wanted an escape... and I thought the only way to do so was to take my own life.

By the amazing grace of God I didn't go through with it and found the help I needed before I took the actions I had so hastily planned in my head.

Like all of us my story has many chapters and the next comes from the time while I was cutting

Very few people knew about my struggles with cutting, depression, and suicidal thoughts but there were times during my journey that I was more open than others. During one of these phases I shared that I had been struggling and one person told me "Make sure when you go cut tonight that you go up and down" Another had decided to share with someone else and that person attacked me and said horrible things to me. At another time I had a very close friend who I would confide in when I had urges and at one point he said to me " I am busy right now can you do it later?"

It's easy to think that our words don't hurt others but deep down we all know that they do, I don’t share these stories for any other reasons than these... if even just one person were to realize the effect that words can have on someone and decide to be the change. Or if someone who is going through the pain I did were to know that they are not alone.

I have always encouraged all of you to use your voice, and now is no different; by being silent we give them strength. Take a stand, and you could save a life.

Here are some amazing sites to help you find your voice and ways to help get you started!

Mtv's Project:

www.athinline.com

http://www.facebook.com/#!/athinline

The amazing story of Megan Meier:

http://www.meganmeierfoundation.org/

Also check out:

www.stompoutbullying.org

http://www.seventeen.com/entertainment/features/delete-digital-drama

I also strongly encourage you to take the time to watch ABCFamily's Cyberbully

Forget The Cameras

It took 30 mins to tell a producer my story. About 5 seconds to recognize Ben's voice in his message and have a private (thank goodness) freak out session. But it only took a matter of minutes to realize my life was about to change. Put aside all the glamour of being on TV that's not how my life changed strangers coming into my life and telling me my story had worth and deserved to be told. That's what changed me, and that's how you can change someone's life. Ben didn't inspire me and affect my life because we were in front of a camera, in fact the moment that really changed me was off camera. Not too many people know this but I gave Ben the last box cutter I had, and I haven't picked one up ever since. I was able to do that because his believing in me helped me believe in myself and I found I didn't have a purpose for the blade anymore, but he helped me find a purpose for my pain. That purpose is to share my story in hopes that others won't have to go through their struggles whatever they may be thinking they are alone. And to bring light to a dark and scary subject in hopes that one day the darkness will no longer have a place to hide. This drive and purpose did not come from being on TV but from a stranger who is now a friend. You can be that inspiration for someone else... The question is are you willing?

Dear__________

I have been thinking a lot lately about one of the hardest times of my life which was High School, and what wish I could have told myself back then. So this is to the inner High Schooler we all carry with us, no matter our age.

Dear ______

Now when you look in a mirror you see the ugly girl

Soon you will be able to see past that mirror because your true beauty cannot be found in a mirror

Now you see the girl who can't keep up in class

Soon you will be able to see that your worth is not found in a grade

Now you see the girl who will never find a boyfriend because she isn't skinny and blonde

Soon you will be able to see that you will be celebrated for what brings that twinkle out in your eyes not how your dress brings out the look in his

Now you see that you won't be like the popular girl in school

Soon you will be able to see that outside of High School it's not about the cliques but about what makes you different from all the rest

I can't wait for you to step out of that shell you have created and learn that you are going to be such a shinning star and I can't wait for you to see what everyone will soon learn. That you have a light that only you can shine and  my beautiful girl it shines so bright!

I know that times may be tough and while you may feel like your light will forever be dim I have no doubt that when you are ready it will shine brighter than the brightest star. 

It's Time For A Change

Ever since I was on The Buried Life it has been my goal to make it okay to talk about depression, cutting, anxiety, and other Mental Illnesses. While I by no means think that I can change the stigma behind these issues in one blog post, or by being on one episode, that doesn't mean I am not going to do everything I can to try. But this isn't just about me trying it’s about how you can help make these changes too. I of all people know how hard it is to bring what you keep hidden in the darkest part of your life into the light. And I will be the first to admit it is scary and can be hard at times; once I did I found that I wasn't alone. Within an hour of the show airing my Facebook and twitter blew up with supportive messages and kind words. And even 3 months after I still get so much support, it blows my mind. But here's the thing... this wasn't about just me getting support. While words will never describe how much it has meant to me, I want that encouragement to spread. Think about it, if having your support helps me be clean for almost six months, how much more good could we do?! So that's why I created 100 Times, as a way to have a place for all that love you all have shown me to spread even further. You have all given me so much and this is one way I hope to give back to all of you, because most of the time when you give me encouragement it’s because you know what it's like to go through what I have, and I want you to find that support that I alone can't give to you. And even if you don't struggle think of it as a way to show love and encouragement to others who may not get it any other place.

This is just the start of how we can change the world because I am sure as hell going to try, will you join me?

www.facebook.com/pages/100-Times/169950813046738

I Have Been Humbled

Hey guys!
I wanted to share with you some things I've learned this weekend. This weekend was a tough one for me, and I wanted to make sure I took time to digest everything before I told you guys about it.
I felt attacked a lot this weekend, for what and by whom isn't the point, and I will keep that to myself. But what really came from it all is that others were basing their opinions of who I am and what I stand for off of the things I say on Facebook and on Twitter. I was faced with people who thought that my time on The Buried Life has gotten to my head and now my only goal is to get attention for both myself, and for how I try to help others. I will admit that it hurt me a lot and at first I was so angry. But then I started to think about all of these comments and I started to wonder if they were true. And while what they were saying specifically was not correct maybe the concept they were after had some validity to it.
This is the conclusion I came to, I am doing something wrong if people feel like my mission is to bring attention to myself. And I will admit this is tricky because my physical being represents the emotional concept I am supporting. In other words I am a face to depression, anxiety, and cutting. But what I need to be careful of is mixing those two faces. I will do everything I can to continue what I started with the help of Ben and the guys. But please bare with me as I figure out what that looks like. I am by no means saying I'm famous but my life has changed and I am more in the public eye than before and while I am so blessed and feel honored, it is an adjustment!
So please know my goal has always been and will continue to be to help all of you in the best way I can, and to continue to break down the stereotypes.
Much love,
Lexie

Poem I Wrote After The Buried Life Left

Once the cameras stopped rolling and I gave my final tearful goodbye to Ben and the crew what had happened over the last few days started to sink in. I had a night where my dream came true and so many strangers, now friends believed in that dream enough to come together and make it a reality.
As I continued to reflect I was brought back to a time when I wasn't so lucky. A time where I was afraid to admit what I was going through, and instead I hid from the world. As I let myself continue to get lost in my past, I slowly realized that's exactly what it was, my past. Which meant I had a choice to make. I could continue to look behind me and slowly become who I once was. Or I could continue to grow and learn from this life changing experience. The path was clear to me for the first time in a long time, it was time to move forward. Like most things in life you can't move forward without saying goodbye. So this is my goodbye to the girl that hid from the world, and is my hello to the world that can no longer hide from her.

Dear World,

Soon my fears will be brought from darkness to light.
I am no longer afraid.

Soon my scars will no longer be hidden, but on display for all of you to see.
My scars have started to fade, and my heart has started to heal.

Soon my masks that I have so delicately created, will be broken and all of me will be exposed.
I have started to love the person who has been hiding behind them, and I am learning to accept her.

I have been so blessed to have people I love, people who don't even know me, and newfound friends support me. But I am one of the lucky ones, I am one of the blessed.

What about the girl who still hides her pain, and hides behind her mask? Or the boy who still struggles with the emotions you have told him to hide?

What will you do to them when they are ready to step out of the darkness and into the light?

It is in your nature to try and scare them, and tell them to go back into their darkness and hide there. It's where they belong, and it's the only place they are safe.

We all know that isn't true, so now you have a choice.
Let them come out of the darkness and embrace them in your light. Or continue to send them back, and keep them there.

If you choose to let them shine, you will be amazed at what you will see. They have so much to give, and so much to share. They will be delicate at first, but in time they will strengthen. You can be a part of that, and in turn be strengthened by them.

If you choose to send them into the darkness yet again, know you are making such a huge mistake. Not only because it is simply wrong, but you are losing the chance to see the beauty they have inside. Do you really want to feel the burden of keeping them silent?

If you are on the fence, come and attack me. I have been so blessed, and because of that you no longer scare me. No matter what you throw at me I can almost guarantee I have already faced it, and I've won. If I haven't yet, I have the support system to help me fight. I am one of the lucky ones, not all are as lucky as I am. Don't take away the hope they have finally realized they have.

So world, what will it be?

Note from Lexie: This was orginally published on MTV along with my follow up video here is the link to check it out : http://remotecontrol.mtv.com/2010/10/25/video-the-buried-life-check-in/

Your Story

I have been thinking a lot about everything that has happened in the last week. Wow it has been a whirlwind filled with so much love and support, and I feel so blessed.
Its not everyday that MTV films your story, and strangers (who have changed your life) come to support you. With all that said I want you to remember something... You're story is just as important! I have heard from so many of you, and I say this from the bottom of my heart, your stories have touched my heart. You all have so much courage to tell a complete stranger what you've been through. I want you to know I will do all I can to continue to encourage you to share. That's kinda what I thought this note could be. Please remember I am not a professional and my goal will always be to point you in the right direction, but I am also here to listen, you deserve to be heard!

My Story

As some of you know I shared some of my story last night at an amazing event some of my many new friends helped me put together! I wrote this out as a way to express what I was feeling and what I have been through. I didn't say this all word for word but I wanted to share a little more with all of you!

I want everyone to look to the person to your left right away what do you see? Most of us would say the person I'm sitting next to duh, or a girl with long hair,or a guy with green eyes. Do any of you see depression, anxiety, a cutter, or a mental illness on that persons face? No, and that's because nine times out of ten when we struggle with something that hard and at times down right scary we fight like hell to hide it. We fight so that we can make sure all people see when they look at us is what we want them to see.
In my life I have become a master of my masks. I have it down to a t who I need to be for all the different groups of people in my life. And become a pro at making sure my masks were bullet proof, and there was no chance anyone could see who I truly was. I kept this game up all through high school and most of college. For a while all this meant was making sure I always looked cool to my friends and I never showed them how scared I was to mess up or to do something out of my comfort zone. Instead I always made sure I had a smile on my face and a skip in my step. When I got to college I started to realize I would have to create new masks to cover the cracks that started to show. Inside I was breaking, I was struggling with depression, anxiety and later on cutting. I didn't want anyone to see, and to be honest I didn't want to see it myself so I did everything I could to hide it. I would walk to class with a smile on my face and friends who would smile back because they saw the happy me. But after class I would go to my room and I would cry, or I would lock my door and not come out for hours. I always had a great excuse and no one really doubted me, and this was the way I lived my life. For a long time it worked like clock work, but one night my clock stopped. I had just had a fight with a friend I went to my room locked my door and grabbed a pen cap and etched the word looser in my forearm. When I looked down at my stinging arm I thought to myself "good you're in pain, just like the person you just caused pain." and I felt relief. In time I experimented with other ways to find that relief. I used thumb tacks, pen caps, broken bobby pins anything I could find to help me find that relief, even if only for a moment. In time it went from writing looser to writing fail, and in time it went from using a pen cap, to using a box cutter. I felt that for every emotional scar I had, or I gave to someone else I had to make a physical scar to even the playing field. As time went on I started to struggle more and more with depression, and these things feed off each other until there is nothing left. For quite some time I struggled with why I was doing this to myself. How did it go from being upset about something, to picking up a box cutter and cutting the word fail into my leg? This feeling of defeat and confusion lead me to a place where I felt I had nothing left to get up for in the morning, and sometimes I didn't get out of bed. I had times where it got so dark I literally have had to ask those around me at the time what happened, because I couldn't remember. There are also times I don't want to remember because the pain was so vivid and the emotions so strong that I shut down from it all. In these times I struggled with suicide, and at one point I was taken to the hospital in a cop car because they were able to see through my mask and they knew I wasn't ok.
It is pretty safe to say that my masks were not bullet proof and that while I thought I was, I was not very good at keeping them together. And just like a lot of you one of my scariest moments was when I realized that I had been exposed. Others had seen what I was trying so hard to hide, they were seeing me. Some of you may know what this is like and how scary it can be, for some you're not ready to take off your mask. Everyone is at a different stage, and if you walk away with anything from tonight let it be this. No matter what stage you are at, you're not alone.
Some of you are thinking "but lex there is no way anyone can understand what I'm going through and feel this way too." To that I say let someone try, be open to the support and love that so many want to give you. It took me such a long time to get to this point and so many different people to get me there. Once I accepted that these feelings are not something to run from and reached out to those who loved me I found the biggest surprise of all. They wanted to help and they supported me, and some of them even had even struggled with the same things. As I started to look around me I saw that not only did my loved ones support me, but there were so many resources available to me. I found the twloha website one night when I was struggling, and after reading renees story and hearing how complete strangers took her in, and showed her love I found myself in tears. It touched me so deeply that others would support her so passionately and not only that but with out judgment. Her story inspired me to want to join the movement she had inspired, and instead of writing hate on my arms, I choose to write love.
One night I was watching MTV and this show came on about 4 guys with a list of 100 things to do before they die. As many of you know there are some pretty crazy things on this list and for most people completing that list would be enough. But for Ben, Duncan, Jonnie, and Dave it wasn't. They have a desire to help others along the way, and make sure they do whatever they can to help them realize their hopes and fulfill their dreams. As I watched this show and saw the genuineness and passion these guys had, it awoke something in me, and they inspired me to truly and fully take off my mask and let who I am scars and all shine through.
We are here tonight to break the molds, and encourage you to take off your mask. You don't have to be afraid to be who you are and feel what you feel. Embrace it, reach out to those around you and let them embrace you. Once you open your heart to that, you will be amazed at what you will find and what you feel capable of doing. If you find yourself feeling that you're ready to make that step find myself or go to the tw stand and talk to us about it. We are here to help you and stand beside you and to let you know you are not alone. If you aren't ready for that step, know that's ok. We will be here for you when you are. Most of all remember we all have a story to tell and no matter how long or how scary every story has a purpose, and every story deserves to be heard.